Regaining confidence from letting go of shame
Its amazing how freeing how life can be when you let go of shame. The feeling of invincibility that races through your heart when your life is no longer blanketed by fear.
I was in a fugue state for years having forgotten who I really was. Allowing the status “unemployed” be define me. A strong social anxiety developed within me stemming from the shame I felt for not having gotten my life together.
I’ll openly admit that I am 30 and living in my mom’s home. I have struggled for 5 years to land a job. These things don’t define me, they are simply my current circumstances.
I Finally Accepted That I Had Hit Rock Bottom
I’ve gained an unstoppable confidence from letting go of shame. I finally accepted that I’d hit rock bottom, and survived what most people are terrified of. Like Diamond Dallas Page (one of my favorite Pro Wrestlers) used to say, “I’m Still Standing!”
(Originally Published at Medium | https://medium.com/p/db9bae1baf44 )
Flashback. It’s 1989 and the cafeteria is buzzing with children doing arts and crafts. The after school counselor is demonstrating his drawing skills to a select few who are close enough to see. There it was, the almighty Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. The seed was planted and my interest in drawing, and later art, had begun.
5th grade art class provided one of my first creative influences. Learning about Salvador Dali and Surrealism was like eye opening. His artwork and his interpretation of the world expressed on canvas. A the the ripe old age of 10, I knew that I wanted work in an artistic/creative field.
’97 – ’01: In art class freshmen year, I’d worked on some really neat projects, none of which held on to. Junior & Senior year I delve into art again. This time able to retain my pieces which lay in my collection today. Including 3 paintings and completely filled up sketchbook.
2003 provided a new chapter for me when I started business school. My social value rose from having my image in every classroom, as well as a school TV commercial that I’d done. Being a student lab tech for the graphic design department didn’t hurt either.
By 2005 I’d landed my first real job out of school. The differences of real-world design vs. creative college design set in. I also learned what clients to avoid.
Flash forward to summer 2012. I’m in Washington DC, the nation’s capitol, the grandaddy of ’em all. I start an internship and receive Jedi Knight training in print design. My skills evolve as I become more conscientious. Quickly developing a keen eye, not just for details but for errors too.
It’s spring 2013 and I’m ready to start a new chapter.
One of the books I’ve read in my 4 years hiatus has been Vital Lies, Simple Truths by Daniel Goldman. Which came out in the in 1985, A couple years after I was born.
Something I’ve felt recently is that I’m standing in the way of my own success. I don’t mean that in a self help guru type of way, but in the sense that my stumbling blocks are mostly in my own mind.
I went from being a full time employee, making a fair salary, working in my field of study in my hometown, to being just another statistic. The byproduct of a boomerang generation. Living with family at 29 years of age.
The vital lies that I tell myself is that it’s the economy and a million people are unemployed (literally a million). I know deep down that I’m better than this, that my best self is lurking underneath the surface.
*Update 1 year later*
I’m breaking down barriers and not letting anything limit me.
4 hour body
4 hour work week (2 copies)
4400 broken promises
50 philosophy ideas you really need to know
the complete idiots guide to body language
comedy writing secrets
22 immutable laws of marketing
bad as I wanna be
the magic of thinking big
start up your own import export business
snoop what your stuff says about you
the selfish gene
the art of seduction
purpose driven life
guinness book of world recorss 2000
the ultimate spiderman
the short and happy life of francis macomber
what a coincidence!
everyone loves you when you’re dead
the pickup artist
why him? Why her?
fire in the belly
making weight: mens conflict with food shape weight and appearance
think and grow rich
the way of the superior man
the tipping point
vital lies, simple truths: the psychology of self deception
Kindle and Google Play Books
I was Blind But Now I See
How To Be The Luckiest Person ALive
How To Start A Freedom Business
How to Make Love Like a Pornstar: A Cautionary Tale by Jenna JAmeson & NEil Strauss
Anything He Wants by Sarah Fawkes
Fight Club by Chuck Palahuinck
Rules Of The Game by Neil Strauss
1. What three accomplishments would you like to achieve to make your life happier?
I’d like to Direct and also Score a movie or tv show. I’d like to design for a stylish Magazine like GQ or Details. I would like to be financially secure to a point where I don’t have to live paycheck to paycheck.
2.What are the reasons these accomplishments will make you happier?
I’ve always appreciated directors and their ability to tell a story through film, but the music in those films is what always really stood out to me. The music makes or breaks a scene and I want to have the Joy of providing good music to capture a moment and make it more memorable. I feel like If i were to make it to the level of being a stylish designer worthy of working for Details or GQ, that I would feel validated because I’d be in the creme de la creme. I’d like to be financially secure so that not only would i have the money to provide for myself, but I also wouldn;t struggle and carry unwanted stress from trying to stretch a dollar like most people that I know.
3. What is your personal mission?
I will become a Man of Integrity who will give others inspiration within 8 years (probably less).
4. List three specific results that will let you know that you’ve accomplished your mission.
I will have helped 31 people transform their worldview. I will have walked away from 25 opportunies that may have clashed with my personal ethics. I will have earned a salary of 175k without without selling my soul in the process.
5. Why are you now fully committed to pursuing your personal mission? because if I don’t pursue it now, I will continue to suffer over the next years and my well-being will decrease/get worse/ fail. My empathy for others will decrease/get worse/fail. My connection with the world and reality will decrease/get worse/fail. But if I do pursue it now, I will enjoy the next years and my faith in humanity will increase/improve/come true. My confidence will increase/improve/come true. My emotional well-being will increase/improve/come true.
1. Write 1 or 2 sentences describing how you believe other people currently believe you.
I believe that right now I’m perveived as a lazy mooch that doesn’t contribute to society and has very little value. I also think that people like me personality wise, but wonder why I can’t get it together.
2. Write 1 or 2 sentences describing how you’d like to be perceived by others.
I would like others to see me as being a brave and unconventional person, that thinks outside the box. I would also like to be perceived as being a reliable person that can get get things done.
3. List three of your behaviors or characteristics that you would like to change.
I would like to change my codependent way of thinking. I would like to change my approval seeking qualities, they are holding me back from being my more authentic. I would also change the characteristic of futility and powerlessness that I have.
4. List three behaviors or characteristics you would like to adopt.
I’d like to have the characteristic of certainty and knowledge, truly knowing what I’m talking about. I would like to have the characteristic of following through, instead of always looking for a way out. I would like genuine confidence and self assurance without approval seeking.